It is now April 2015.
I am just now getting around to doing my 2014 update. What happened in the year, what I learned, how I survived.
Literally, how I survived.
I want to share with you from a vulnerable spot today as I am feeling emptiness. It reminded me of my past year and the demons I fight, the ones I still fight.
Being alone with myself is hard. Harder than it needs to be. I used to love being alone, I needed it. Now I try, I try hard to enjoy it or at least I survive through it.
There are days I enjoy it now and then but for the most part it leaves too much space for the emptiness to creep in and I just have not figured out how to fight it.
Last year was a very hard year I will tell you why soon.
But first I will tell you half way through 2013 was when it started. I had flashbacks creep back into my life of being sexually abused. Things I had separated myself from began to resurface.
I found myself reliving everything. Sounds and smells were triggers. It felt like every corner I turned or person I met was a threat. I remember vividly driving my car with my legs shaking from pain crying on the phone to my lovely dear friend that I did not know what to do anymore. Inner pain can be destructive.
2014 rolled around and I was still having flashbacks although not as bad, but something was happening to me psychologically and I literally feared for my sanity. I started counseling at a place where they work with mild Dissociation through body awareness. I stuck with it for four months but for every gain I took several steps backwards. Finally after a highly sensitive session where my counselor began to look like someone who had abused me I ended up in the hospital for suicidal thoughts.
I remember the breaking point where I was about to write a letter and I finally called my roommate at the time and she knew it was time to take me to the hospital we had spoken about it prior to the event.
She seemed so worried and scared. I was worried and scared. I spent two and a half weeks in a hospital. Words cannot describe it right now and maybe as I continue to open up about this I will find the strength to let you in on just how terrifying and hard and yet how I learned so much from it.
I ended up in the hospital three more times for suicidal thoughts. For less of a stint than the first. I watched friends come out of the wood-works and support me as I lost the power to function at work, cried constantly, and drove to every counseling appointment.
Finally I gave up and I moved to Florida to be with family I thought would help. In their own ways they offered me a hand and did their best. The fourth and final time I was hospitalized was in Florida when I first got down there. Immediately after I ended up in a beautiful log cabin in the middle of the woods where I lived with a friends parents for a while. While I was there good and bad took place which is life. I got a little more on my feet.
I was still so lost and afraid of the different states of consciousness I experienced due to depersonalizing and all those other fancy words they diagnosed me with I started going back to church. The circles I ended up in were very charismatic and I let them pray over me for demons to leave. After about a month of not feeling better, and it felt even more my fault I got tests ran in the hospital like MRI’s and CAT scans to make sure everything really was okay. Part of me wanted something to be wrong. I wanted an answer and a way to fix my brokenness.
My dad flew down to Florida and we packed me up and moved me back to Ohio. There I lived with two dear friends and I got a job cleaning stalls for five months. It was a rough time but I was stable and my rent was manageable. I had friends I had known all my life to walk through things with and I went to bed early and watched a lot of TV.
I made a lot of progress. 2014 was the year of the empty cup for me. I only saw the bottom, even when I was getting better I feared the worst. I still struggle with weird body sensations and dream like states of mind. I still feel a sorrow I can’t seem to let go of or grieve through.
2014 ended on a high note as I was offered a job at my old university in California and my old roommate opened up her room for me. I learned the day after Christmas that I got the job.
I wake up everyday.
I go to work five days a week, I go to counseling once a week and take some medicine. I am transitioning here slowly. I have things I am sad about and I am still afraid of ending up back in the hospital of back in Ohio. I can’t promise it won’t happen, but I can promise I am taking steps towards the opposite direction.
After my experiences I see how fragile the human heart and mind can be, but yet how resilient and how strong it can also be. Life is definitely a paradox and I am working to figure out my place in the contradicting sandwich with a bit of humor and some more grace than I once had for myself.
I also have a man who is falling in love with me inspite of my fears and problems, he sees deeper then just my skin.
On the outside I am a pretty face. But I have more to me and I have a story and my story is giving me courage. I want to make a difference in the mental health system somehow. The state hospitals need help and people are in desperate need of compassion.