I feel strong….
I thought this over and over walking to the mailbox. I feel assured, okay, comfortable.
The usually urgent, hurried voice to stay on guard still whispered slightly, but it was much quieter than usual. And I thank her for warning me that feelings can be fleeting, but I couldn’t help but entertain the thoughts that…I have felt strong before…I have lived through Hell…what if…what if the feeling of being strong can become more consistent?
Today my husband asked me how I have been and I said “actually, I was thinking today, I feel strong.” He wrapped me in his arms and it felt nice. The balance of belonging to myself and to another at the same time.
And my cousin texted me later and asked how I was doing and I texted her back a short reply and happily shared ‘today I feel strong.’ It is a beautiful feeling of feeling inwardly supported by myself. I am grateful I was given opportunities to share that I felt strong to people who love me, know the story and I don’t feel like I am bragging, but they can glimpse a little bit of how rewarding it is to have a day like this.
There is so much I could say, so much I could share. Lately I have been in less denial. I have wondered how the abuse began, how was I ‘convinced.’ I don’t have to know these things, and there is a paradox that I do and do not want to know equally. The thing is; healing is a process.
God, I hated when my therapists would tell me healing is a process. I still don’t love it, but I understand it more. I can’t predict the future. If my mind opens up to more detailed memories of the abuse then it does, if more never comes up then it doesn’t. I might crawl into the shower sobbing trying to wash the shame off of me again but I may also have more days like today. It is isn’t always one or the other. It is almost always both and today is a pleasure.
Today I feel strong.