People say to be gentle with yourself. I try that. I don’t understand this definition yet. Perhaps I am soaked in a sort of cynicism. To have a sense of being in my own life and body feels desperately difficult as there is a part of me that fights against everything eagerly trying to rid me of something, to get away from something. I need to grieve that there is no perfect answer except for me. I do wonder why I fight anything that can be helpful to me?
I feel the beginnings of a spiraling and disappearing into something. I want groundedness, yet my mind fights against this, constantly insisting that we do, do, do. I need to admit, I have a very very hard time accepting myself and that I am with me constantly. It is difficult to take one day at a time.
I have this desire for things to just be over. Working through life like a checklist has been something I have done for years. Surprisingly inspite of the abuse and fire I am pretty conscious and aware. It is hard to feel in control over my mental states as I feel them like switches on and off to absorb, protect, and fight. It is the first time I have really noticed these things. With myself there feels like a hands off approach to my life. I do not like this.
If I were someone else, a friend, going through these things, I would say these words, “Darling, you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit. Many people love you and there are so many things you have done to show your willingness to grow.” I would say this too, “Love, of course you exist, every moment, and you are beautiful. Do not disappear and if you need to for a while know I will always find you, you are never too far away that I can’t come to you. You cannot save your home, nor can you change what was done to you, but to be alive inspite of it is a gift. Nothing is your fault. I treasure the way you want perfection and I enjoy how silly you can be. It is not over. Life is long and it can be fun. Take inventory of what is important to you in this moment and pursue that. Pursue yourself. Care for yourself. You don’t have to be so careful not to make mistakes. And I trust that you will learn to be grounded. Right now you are angry. Rightfully so. You have every right to be this angry. Let life flow through you. Feel it in your body the rivers of healing that welcome every piece of your soul. This is not done. The dance is just beginning, and it is so lovely! I support you in every decision and encourage you to own each moment no matter how messy or frustrated. You are purely human and that is a delight!”
Here is another thing, I feel I share too much with too many people. I want my voice back. I am also tired of cycles. Exhausted with trying to figure things out. Frustrated with money issues and decisions, and hoping to learn more compassion. I wonder what it will take for me to become my own hero? I wonder what I was like before the fire? There is something sustaining me. I wonder what I will be like in a year? I wonder if I can forgive myself? I wonder if I can integrate my constant desire for endings and answers into something less self-destructive. I wonder, I wonder what speaks to me, what brings me grounding.
I wonder when. Sometimes I expect these earth shattering changes and I am often afraid that my issues I feel I am running from will fall on me like bricks. I can’t help but think that is completely silly. I have had enough life experience to know that someday I will look back and realize I am healed, or that I am grounded.
I will tell you this. One thing that brings life and makes me feel okay is watching the birds and hearing them sing. I always know I am okay when I can see and hear them.
She looked concerned.
“You seem buried.”
Business, distractedly searching.
There is no end!
Feel her, the other part of me.
More like lead her within.
Isolate these wounds.
MUST STAY ALIVE.
Containment not yet learned.
Facing fears of being burned.
A flying kite for her head.
Misery has deeply led.
Is she, me, I and her.
These eyes peer from a ladder within.
All attachment on worth outside.
Bring me directly to me knees.
Yet it never worked before.
If I, she, this burden didn’t exist.
I could be clean.
Shame covered in titles, appointments, apologies, and missing letters.
A sense of being.
It seems not enough can care.
Hostile within, forcing life essence outside of these walls.
When will grounding come.
Searching for my roots, trying desperately to beheld by my own hands.
Denial, suppression, faked kindness.
Busy, distracted, denial.
This is my magic disappearing act.
Dear Friends, Family, and Readers:
I want to share some of my journey that I have been on with questioning, faith, and spirituality. I want to own where I am at with things in my life and there is a growing up or coming out I need with my current journey.
I am unsure of what my owning it looks like so I thought I would start with my blog since it has been a pivotal experience for me to use my voice on here.
I grew up in a beautiful Wesleyan church. My family started going there when I was two years old. I met people that became like brothers and sisters to me and we spent formative years together experiencing life, creating memories, growing together and a part. Even now when we see each other, after no matter how long, it is familiar. Church became an outlet for me, it became my orbiting center. What breathed life in me. My faith in Jesus and God and love felt unshakable. It was not my parents goal to go every week and they often missed weeks at a time or quit going altogether. Luckily as I got older I had friends who would take me. I was involved in youth group, praise team, and helping with fundraisers and vacation bible schools. I read through the Bible over and over again. At school I was known for my faith and my friends respected that it was a part of what defined me.
When I broke up with my serious boyfriend it was mostly due to faith reasons and when I dropped out of college classes half way through it was to work four jobs and find the perfect Christian school. I ended up at Vanguard University of Southern California. It was there that my walls and tight knit world started to crumble. I started realizing some of the tremendous pain I was carrying from childhood events and I started questioning, majorly due to our professors at Vanguard who taught us how.
As life has unfolded the past few years and I continue through this spiral and disoriented feelings I have become a lot more open and full of questions. I have given myself permission to explore and have fun doing it. I have found everything is largely the same in my opinion. Things can be used for love or destruction. Peoples intentions can get lost and whether you believe in prayer in Jesus or the positive energy of the universe in several circles from Christianity, to Buddhism, to Reiki Masters, and Shamanic healers there are always the people who can tell you “I can feel your pain and you are a lot stronger than you know. ” There are still the people who are really out there and make you feel uncomfortable. There are the pretenders who come and put on a good show.
I have friends who are missionaries and Reiki specialists. I have experienced energy healing, free form dance, a soul retrieval , and dozens of hands on my shoulder praying in the power of the blood. I still get old hymns stuck in my head during the week and sing Jesus songs in the shower although I have only been to a church service once in the passed year.
I don’t label myself a Christian right now. I am honored by the safety and depth it provided my life. I value the ability it gave me to keep going, to build community, and take risks. I believe there is historical proof for Jesus and I think he embodies compassion. I haven’t made peace with actual facts, but I am making room to make peace for where I am currently. I have given myself permission to question everything.
There is a man who writes books about the Bible being based on the human psyche. Another man named Joseph Campbell takes the Bible and talks about it as though it is a myth.
The more I explore the more I decide, it is the institutionalization of things that kills them. It is the hundred of shoulds and rules that kills them. There is something beautiful and magical about Christianity. There is something sacred about energy that unites and sustains us and connects us to the Earth. There is a mystical union of people who can combine in one room with such rich backgrounds and share.
I struggle with anger right now. Anger because I want one answer. A lot of people tell me it is Jesus, and a lot of people tell me it is me. I believe the answer is me. Joseph Campbell writes about becoming your own hero. You have to make the decisions about what is going to define your life. And right now I choose to believe in love.
I still am hung up on the question of how people say there is an energy and call it the universe and how it connects us all. Coming from my church background it is still heavily ingrained with the question of, “Where did that energy come from?” God seems like such an easy answer, then where did God come from….well he had to always be there right?
Regardless no matter how low or unloved I can feel, or angry at God/Universe I have to believe there is something out there. Somehow something sustains a life force in me and in the world.
I am dealing with a lot of shit, and it is not going to go away although I have suppressed it a bit and I have met many people from several different faith backgrounds who encourage me and are there for me.
So here is me owning that I believe in energy and chakra’s, and soul retrievals, and prayer. I believe in chanting, meditation, reading the Bible, and dancing crazy. I have had some theories I have come up with that could make for some interesting spiritual conversation. I am not sure I am ready to post those.
I do know I spent last year in a bit of isolation. Something I would like more of is community and I have started seeking it out.
As I move into this part of my life I hope it enters a phase of grounding for me. Real grounding. I want to face my pain, learn to choose to focus on joy, and speak truth.
It feels like nothing is working for me. I have to believe that because I seek answers will come. Everyone says to trust the process and fall in love with the questions. I am just not there yet. I have to acknowledge that healing is a spiral and a journey and I want to make peace with taking it one day at a time.
Like I have been told I am a lot stronger than I know. And there is something sustaining me.
It feels like I am trying to rid myself of something and I see things in life as a period sometimes. Eventually I no longer want to do that. Unfortunately, the side of me that does not want to change is so very strong right now and days drift away as my conscious switches and carries me through waves of feeling like I am living out the past. I own that I don’t know where to start and part of me does not want to start any where. I own that I literally can feel like two different people splitting off from my pain. I own that I quit writing because of what it was bringing up for me. I own that I work three jobs that hardly equal thirty hours a week and I struggle financially. I own that I want a bliss and a passion. I own that I want to disappear. I won that I want someone else to save me and make my decisions. I own that I just watched How I Met Your Mother for ten hours straight yesterday. I own that I love going on walks and one of the things that keeps me sane is hearing the birds chirp. I own that by sharing this post I want to be accepted and hope it makes it easier to accept myself. I own that we all just want to be accepted because we are human.
In this journey, I feel I have successfully repressed, suppressed my issues. It feels like a round about to where I was last year. It feels it feels.
Where in my body does that feeling come from? My Chest, my legs, my abdomen.
But then again….things are not always what they seem?
I keep thinking I am further away from where I need to or should be.
I keep thinking I am not dealing with my issues and that I am too connected outside of myself.
I keep thinking.
I am not my feelings, I am not my thoughts. What am I then?
Who am I?
I had big plans tonight to come home and watch How I Met Your Mother….I have tried three times to get netflix on….it just was not meant to be,,, it won’t turn on.
I am pretty conscious and pretty aware of a lot, that is why i am so afraid of what is inside.
Anyways, not watching How I Met Your Mother I find myself sitting on the couch listening to the clock tick…alone with myself…alone with the memories of Fall and December and I just don’t like to be alone right now, in that way. So I am writing to you. To each of you.
Welcome to being human!
I just don’t feel ready yet, nor do I want to change…people keep saying I am on the cuff of things,,,,to keep going.
I am going and going…energizer bunny.
You know something in these cycles…I am damn good at surviving. I am good at distracting and being on time, cleaning and planning, and communicating. I am just learning more about myself.
I have thought….if I watch all 8 seasons of How I Met Your Mother, than I will deal with my issues. That is the price of being human, afraid, needing a break, and living in America.
On this side of the coin I eat three meals a day, sleep regularly, drink my tea with St. Johns Wart and talk to people.
Life is not a check list…this is hard to learn, yet there is something to all of this.
Tonight, since my tv show didn’t work out. I went on a drive and my old roommate called. We talked for a long time and I worked out a couple of minor surface details.
But it makes me feel happy. Maybe that is all I can do right now, maybe this is what I need.
Something I want to do is own my life, own where I am at. So I will be following this post with more about a couple of things I really want to own up too. One especially is where I am spiritually. I am finally ready, maybe not ready, but I finally want to share my thoughts, research, experiences and open up more on it!
Thanks for tuning in!
This post is for me to begin creating a relationship of peace with being human.
I want to start with where I am at. I feel the bed beneath me. I just had my birthday on Saturday and I feel so very young.
What being human means to me in this moment. Some times we think we are stronger than we are. Some times we under-estimate how strong we are. The desire to feel real is just as big as our desire to stay hidden. There is something that sustains us, an energy that surrounds us, a force, be it the Universe or God.
Being human means running, hiding, standing tall, crawling, crawling, crawling, and looking fear in the face. Over and over again we may fall into the same traps and may have to pull ourselves out of them. Some times being human means it is difficult to move and feel alive within. Some times it means making decisions at the last minute, disappointing others and yourself.
Being human is exciting, scary, confusing, and simply what we are. Some times we wait until something happens to help us along.
Some times we sit and hold our breath for days, weeks, years and struggle to do what is best for our hearts and souls. We have trouble living in the here and now and we want to blame others for our problems. Forgiveness often feels foreign, we are anything but perfect. We are aimlessly wandering around not knowing what to do. Yet we are creating and starting over, searching, seeking, hungry and thirsty for life.
Being human is difficult.
The Human Condition is tied up in knots of denial and acceptance, letting go of the figuring out and somehow holding yourself in a space of compassion……even if it is compassion for not having compassion.
There is courage and bravery some times in the ability to just get out of bed.
I went sky diving once….so being human I learned is also letting yourself fly.
I hope this finds each of you fellow humans doing well. Remember we all have animal instincts that help us survive and eventually learn to thrive. I may be wrapped in a million questions, anger., and confusion. I may feel disoriented but I know where I am in the middle of it by being able to name that and call it out.
Here is to the beginning of my journey to finding peace with my humanity and the desire to give myself permission to live inside of my own body.
For our bodies are considered temples.
I want to tell you all so much. I want to share every nitty gritty detail of this healing, anger, despair, running, and fear.
I want to tell you because it is hard to tell myself. I wonder what it is I squeeze in my palms.
I am so thankful for my impeccable survival skills,yet I know there is more, another way, and I need to slow down.
Can I find the strength to rest?
Can I hold myself and open a space for all I need to heal, feel? Can I find peace that my relationship with myself is a lifelong process? If so when? How?
I am finding the importance in the basics.
As I crawl these well tread corridors of coping and survival I sit on the floor and I feel that it is hard. I remember my feet and put them firmly on the ground. I walk with my hand on my chest and breathe in and out. I have a body. I am here.
I want it to be over to go away.
But this is my story.
Flashbacks were coming for a long time in body sensations, smells, and images.
Now that I am intellectually driven I talk about it as though it is over.
Lets be honest, I want someone else to carry my burden, to save me.
I want to be noticed, for anything.
I hear it is our power we are most afraid of, and I tend to find that may be true.
In December while I was falling and spiraling a small part of me thought, “Raechel, what are you doing, you can do this.”
And I find, I am afraid to meet that voice….
How silly we are…to fear ourselves?