Nitty Gritty

•April 18, 2014 • Leave a Comment

~played basketball with a friend at the park today.

~officially certified as a Therapeutic Horseback Riding Instructor

~can still hear the birds chirp.

~Eating too much fast food

~Currently on a Everybody Loves Raymond TV binge

~Reading Rumi poetry,

~hanging out with the neighborhood kids on walks haha

~What is one day at a time?

~A little lost

~Keep singing, “Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long…”

~Kids at school made up a song about farts from the Let It Go song in Frozen

~Watched a movie this week that was funny, some parts too crude for me

~Slept two half nights on the couch in the living room and moved up to my bed

~Still love my stuffed animal Mr. Pig

~Really want to go for a motorcycle ride, eat a hot dog at a baseball game, eat a popsicle, and drink some Sam Adams with my girls…yes American cliche

~need to go to a concert haven’t been to one in YEARS!

~Ready to pull out summer dresses

~Teaching my class of teenage boys at the barn tomorrow, riding bareback and pole bending.

~blah, blah, blah, blah

~Spiritual practice?

~could lighten up on the TV and fast food


Child Abuse Awareness

•April 18, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while now.  It is close to my heart for many reasons.  As I write to you I am sitting on a wooden deck listening to the birds sing and wondering how to slow down, wondering what my own perfect answer for my soul to land on might be.

This April is Child Abuse Awareness month.  Working in the schools and at the barn and knowing close friends I know the story of child abuse varies depending on the person.  Every child knows what it is like to be hurt by people close to them who love them.  Some are fortunate enough to experience repair to those hurts from the caregivers that dealt them.  We are human and we hurt each other in many ways.  But some children experience deep scars that breaks trust in everyone, including themselves and the universe.

There are a lot of stigmas on kids who experience abuse and signs to look for, but why I am writing this is for a different reason.  I want to give voice to the children who slip through the cracks of every system including their own eyes as adults.  I want to plead the case for the ones who hear everyone else’s voices and still fall asleep at sixty wondering what theirs sounds like, because they never knew, because no ever saw that part of their soul.  The part they hide in being a strong fortress for the tears of others.

The children we need to make sure are also heard are the ones who excel in school, come dressed in clean clothes, sing in the church choir, play soccer, have several friends, and make every one laugh with their silly humor.  These are the children that often slip under the radar.  Sometimes they don’t even know what is happening to them because they are the bell of the ball, able to smile, school is easy, and the words of the parents are trusted, “You are so lucky to live here, there are so many children whose parents don’t care for them.” 

I have found that children can be abused by the very parent who watches the news and rages against the injustice of a mother who locked her child in a cage.  I have found that there are deep, manipulative twisted words and ways of love that can deceive and defy even the most common sensed people.

In this month we need to be aware that sometimes the abuser is the parent who is a beloved school-teacher who calls Child Protection Services on the job, sometimes it is the brother who is the gentleman in high school standing up for the girls, who plays the trumpet or dedicates free time to The Lions Club volunteering.  The abuser can be a sister who is silent and beautiful, teaching Vacation Bible School, or it can be the father who works long hours at the Construction site, teaches his daughter to ride a bike, and tells the best jokes.

We don’t know what people are struggling with, we don’t know what they do.  We don’t know.  We can’t always know.  We can’t always trust.  This is not to scare you, we all know this anyways.  We know it can be the Pastor, the school librarian, or the high school sibling. 

Here is the ugly truth it can be mother to daughter or son, father to daughter or son, brother to sister or brother, sister to brother or sister.  There is no exemption in the ways we can be hurt and who does it.  It can be a whole family.  It can be friends of the family or anyone.  It can be anywhere from emotional, mental, physical, or sexual abuse, or all of them. 

Why I am writing this is I passionately want us to remember that when we see a child and say, “Now that one is going places, and she makes us have hope in good parenting.” We need to remember to look very deeply in those children for what they may not be saying.  Yes there are families and children like that, but we need to remember not to as we say, “Judge a book by its cover.”  

There are little girls whose mothers volunteer in their class rooms and dress them in cute dresses, take them to church and say I love you to the moon and back who also tell them they are going to a mental institute for yelling shut up one time, who silently year after year can pluck away pieces of their souls with inconsistency and swinging back and forth between a hug and you are so beautiful to you are a selfish brat and slap them. 

I won’t keep going, this is heavy enough.  We all know that we don’t really know.  Just try to be more attentive to the silent well behaved children as well.  They also have stories of wounds that need to be tended and lies unraveled.

Thank you for reading, I hope you each find solace in this month and courage for facing the unknowns.



•April 7, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I found you beneath the leering eyes,

saw you laying on the floor wet with tears

soaked in blood.

I watched you become lifeless, vacant,

soulless eyes wandering through the room

and then you saw me seeing you.

I walked away for a while,

trembling at the intensity afraid to truly see

not wanting to understand your fear,

or know your longing

hear your cry for help

I separated from you,

you were no longer human for a moment you were foreign.

But I came back after I took a breath.

I remembered your hands and the way they reached out,

your palms calling to the creases in my own hands.

Life was what you wanted.

I walked away, but I always come back.

Seeking you.

To tell you, you are enough.

I can with compassion see more than your tears and blood.

I see you.

Your worth, value,

and honor.

I see you with the ache where your heart used to be.

And I take mine, beating from my chest and share it with you.

The emptiness you sat in no longer denied.

We share the emptiness together as I let my heart break into pieces for you.

And we become whole.

I walk back to you, holding your hands in mine and tell you that we are one.


My Fault

•April 7, 2014 • Leave a Comment

This has been on my mind all day….a lot through the weeks and more than I know through the years.  In matters of pain and trauma we blame ourselves…I know I have times cataclysmic and minor in which self blame tears literally at my soul separating me from myself.  It is one thing to know in our heads that something is not our fault but to believe it in our spirits…well I am sure that would be transforming and someday I will welcome that.

Here is what was on my thoughts.  I have/had a mentor who has been pivotal to my life and brought up a lot in me.  She can be a bit New Age-y and I have expanded/become interested in many spiritual paths, but something she shared with me was she believes our soul chooses its story…that somehow we come into the world knowing that we will need to learn a lesson.  Growing up in church I was also taught that everything happens for a reason.  I have always struggled with that and I struggle with the belief that our soul chooses something.

At this time I reject both of those beliefs. Strongly.  And I refuse to embrace them.  Maybe someday that will change, but I don’t think God/Universe/Spirit/or our own soul or whatever you call the great mystery that somehow holds us all together would somehow align, plan or delegate the happenings of things like rape, child abuse, paralyzing car accidents.  I just don’t.  Now I think a view I can embrace is that we can learn from these things.  That our freewill and our humanness and the ability to make choices sometimes directly from our pain is the reason that events as tragic as these may take place.  I have to tell you….that view may be harder than everything happens for a reason for some, but when I am told everything happens for a reason I just think, so it is my fault, it was supposed to happen.  Maybe that can be a victim mentality but the truth I am trying to relay here is how do any of really know the WHY.  I think that is WHY in therapy they say to the clients not to ask why.  Because why as humans can often lead us to doing what we all do best.  Hating, blaming, and beating ourselves up.  Disappearing in a cloud of what have I done wrong.

Maybe the souls true destiny is to learn to love itself and the world without knowing all the answers.  Maybe we can have a container for the moments when we think this is my fault and give that belief over to the mystery of something bigger than us.  Instead maybe we can say I don’t know why this happen, I know I didn’t deserve this (okay I am talking about major things out of our control not moments when we clearly know what needs to be done-there is a separation between moments that can define earth shattering pain and moments where we make choices clearly that we know what the consequences will be and we do it anyways).  I read something recently where the writer spoke on this subject, the not knowing and not having an answer and how we may never know the bigger truth of it but that we can decide to love ourselves in the midst of it.  That somehow learning to live in the emptiness my be part of the journey in self compassion.

Now it does help in life to know whys for things that trigger us.  Like a war veteran who jumps at loud noises can say, That car backfired, it scared the Hell out of me because for a moment I was back on the front-lines in the middle of gunfire.  That is different and necessary. 

I hope I am making sense.  The point of this is its not your fault.  It is not my fault.  Sometimes people just don’t understand how to love.  Sometimes things just happen and we have to keep living and surviving and we may never know the bigger why and somehow, someday we may be okay with it and even until we are okay with it, everything is still okay.


I Lost My Love

•March 29, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I lost my love in the ocean.

I lost my love, it was floating away with the currents of the sea.

I lost my lost and with it all my devotion.

I lost my love when voice was denied at eleven.

I lost my love and disappeared in the commotion.

I lost,

I lost,

I lost,

I lost my love when in drowned in overwhelming emotion.

I lost,

I lost,

I lost…..

Survival of the fittest.

The toughest survive.

Pick your poison,

Fight, flight, or freeze.

But if you please,

find my love and bring it back to me.


I am Here.

•March 28, 2014 • Leave a Comment


A lifelong search!

Originally posted on Dancing with Darkness:

I am currently reading a book by Thich Nhat Hanh.  It is the second book by him I have read and I am really enjoying it/appreciating his different points of view.  What speaks to me most and what I will take from reading his work is that the present moment really is important.  It is so important!  Ever since I bought a car over a month ago I have noticed a shift in what is opening up to me in my life.  My future seems to be unfolding with more options that actually appeal to me.

In the past, choices have overwhelmed me and I have felt the weight of aloneness in them.  I still feel overwhelmed and want to make the “right” choices.  I also understand I have hidden myself in options and felt safe by that.

So how do I make a decision I will be happy…

View original 511 more words

Thank You

•March 28, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Two words that can change a life.


Today I do want to thank you.  Yes you reading this, maybe you are a close friend, a relative, a follow blogger I have done guest posts with or simply a reader I have never met. 

I want to say thank you for reading.  Thank you for being on the journey thus far.  Thank you for understanding, commenting, speculating, wishing, hoping, learning.  Thank you.

I hope you all find inner and outer safety.  However you need to, no matter what way, even if it is hiding, quitting, running away.  It youf eel safe.  Even for a moment.  Sometimes that is all we can ask as humans. 

But thank you for being there to read this blog.  Thank you for the moments of time that my words are being read by your eyes proving no matter how lost, far away, happy, joyful, or frustrated.  We are proving we are alive, we are human.  Thank you for see me in my words, for hearing my words in your head through your own inner mind voice :)

Thank you for being however present the moment is allowing you to be.


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