•April 7, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I found you beneath the leering eyes,

saw you laying on the floor wet with tears

soaked in blood.

I watched you become lifeless, vacant,

soulless eyes wandering through the room

and then you saw me seeing you.

I walked away for a while,

trembling at the intensity afraid to truly see

not wanting to understand your fear,

or know your longing

hear your cry for help

I separated from you,

you were no longer human for a moment you were foreign.

But I came back after I took a breath.

I remembered your hands and the way they reached out,

your palms calling to the creases in my own hands.

Life was what you wanted.

I walked away, but I always come back.

Seeking you.

To tell you, you are enough.

I can with compassion see more than your tears and blood.

I see you.

Your worth, value,

and honor.

I see you with the ache where your heart used to be.

And I take mine, beating from my chest and share it with you.

The emptiness you sat in no longer denied.

We share the emptiness together as I let my heart break into pieces for you.

And we become whole.

I walk back to you, holding your hands in mine and tell you that we are one.


My Fault

•April 7, 2014 • Leave a Comment

This has been on my mind all day….a lot through the weeks and more than I know through the years.  In matters of pain and trauma we blame ourselves…I know I have times cataclysmic and minor in which self blame tears literally at my soul separating me from myself.  It is one thing to know in our heads that something is not our fault but to believe it in our spirits…well I am sure that would be transforming and someday I will welcome that.

Here is what was on my thoughts.  I have/had a mentor who has been pivotal to my life and brought up a lot in me.  She can be a bit New Age-y and I have expanded/become interested in many spiritual paths, but something she shared with me was she believes our soul chooses its story…that somehow we come into the world knowing that we will need to learn a lesson.  Growing up in church I was also taught that everything happens for a reason.  I have always struggled with that and I struggle with the belief that our soul chooses something.

At this time I reject both of those beliefs. Strongly.  And I refuse to embrace them.  Maybe someday that will change, but I don’t think God/Universe/Spirit/or our own soul or whatever you call the great mystery that somehow holds us all together would somehow align, plan or delegate the happenings of things like rape, child abuse, paralyzing car accidents.  I just don’t.  Now I think a view I can embrace is that we can learn from these things.  That our freewill and our humanness and the ability to make choices sometimes directly from our pain is the reason that events as tragic as these may take place.  I have to tell you….that view may be harder than everything happens for a reason for some, but when I am told everything happens for a reason I just think, so it is my fault, it was supposed to happen.  Maybe that can be a victim mentality but the truth I am trying to relay here is how do any of really know the WHY.  I think that is WHY in therapy they say to the clients not to ask why.  Because why as humans can often lead us to doing what we all do best.  Hating, blaming, and beating ourselves up.  Disappearing in a cloud of what have I done wrong.

Maybe the souls true destiny is to learn to love itself and the world without knowing all the answers.  Maybe we can have a container for the moments when we think this is my fault and give that belief over to the mystery of something bigger than us.  Instead maybe we can say I don’t know why this happen, I know I didn’t deserve this (okay I am talking about major things out of our control not moments when we clearly know what needs to be done-there is a separation between moments that can define earth shattering pain and moments where we make choices clearly that we know what the consequences will be and we do it anyways).  I read something recently where the writer spoke on this subject, the not knowing and not having an answer and how we may never know the bigger truth of it but that we can decide to love ourselves in the midst of it.  That somehow learning to live in the emptiness my be part of the journey in self compassion.

Now it does help in life to know whys for things that trigger us.  Like a war veteran who jumps at loud noises can say, That car backfired, it scared the Hell out of me because for a moment I was back on the front-lines in the middle of gunfire.  That is different and necessary. 

I hope I am making sense.  The point of this is its not your fault.  It is not my fault.  Sometimes people just don’t understand how to love.  Sometimes things just happen and we have to keep living and surviving and we may never know the bigger why and somehow, someday we may be okay with it and even until we are okay with it, everything is still okay.


I Lost My Love

•March 29, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I lost my love in the ocean.

I lost my love, it was floating away with the currents of the sea.

I lost my lost and with it all my devotion.

I lost my love when voice was denied at eleven.

I lost my love and disappeared in the commotion.

I lost,

I lost,

I lost,

I lost my love when in drowned in overwhelming emotion.

I lost,

I lost,

I lost…..

Survival of the fittest.

The toughest survive.

Pick your poison,

Fight, flight, or freeze.

But if you please,

find my love and bring it back to me.


I am Here.

•March 28, 2014 • Leave a Comment


A lifelong search!

Originally posted on Dancing with Darkness:

I am currently reading a book by Thich Nhat Hanh.  It is the second book by him I have read and I am really enjoying it/appreciating his different points of view.  What speaks to me most and what I will take from reading his work is that the present moment really is important.  It is so important!  Ever since I bought a car over a month ago I have noticed a shift in what is opening up to me in my life.  My future seems to be unfolding with more options that actually appeal to me.

In the past, choices have overwhelmed me and I have felt the weight of aloneness in them.  I still feel overwhelmed and want to make the “right” choices.  I also understand I have hidden myself in options and felt safe by that.

So how do I make a decision I will be happy…

View original 511 more words

Thank You

•March 28, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Two words that can change a life.


Today I do want to thank you.  Yes you reading this, maybe you are a close friend, a relative, a follow blogger I have done guest posts with or simply a reader I have never met. 

I want to say thank you for reading.  Thank you for being on the journey thus far.  Thank you for understanding, commenting, speculating, wishing, hoping, learning.  Thank you.

I hope you all find inner and outer safety.  However you need to, no matter what way, even if it is hiding, quitting, running away.  It youf eel safe.  Even for a moment.  Sometimes that is all we can ask as humans. 

But thank you for being there to read this blog.  Thank you for the moments of time that my words are being read by your eyes proving no matter how lost, far away, happy, joyful, or frustrated.  We are proving we are alive, we are human.  Thank you for see me in my words, for hearing my words in your head through your own inner mind voice :)

Thank you for being however present the moment is allowing you to be.

Wake Me Up WHen It Is All Over

•March 28, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Dear Friends and Readers,

There is a song Wake Me Up When It Is All Over

Being traumatized feels that way.  Then when you start to wake up to the truth it is like a part of you wants to go back to sleep.  The shame, the guilt, the dissociating, depersonalization, anger, rage.  How do you attach to yourself?  How?  How do you know when it is time to start. 

When I was unaware and went to church constantly life was always beautiful.  When I stopped going to church, stopped moving around physically, it all came up….some part of me where’s it on my sleeve, the other part runs, hides, avoids. 

Some one save me is my cry.

I used to tell everyone that Jesus saved my life, that life was perfect with him and made everything easier.  It does not.  Even if you are a Christian life still can suck.  Right now I don’t carry a label.  I haven’t for a long time.  I know Jesus helped get me through, he was part of my survival kit.  Church and friends were too.  The more I have branched out though I have found these tools in many strange, different, and fun circles. 

Part of hiding is always finding something you want within yourself outside to run to.  This is not bad.  It just makes it hard to find the boundaries.  I wake up everyday.  I still want it to be over.  I feel often defeated and hopeless. And then I have parts of my week with people I trust where I have breakthroughs and I know I am strong.  Taking that into the outside world is so SO difficult!!!!!

I got a call from someone I love dearly last night saying…I can’t do this, I don’t want to…and it triggered me, I have been saying this all year to myself everyone I love.  Now I feel this urgency to heal.  I don’t want to override my own healing, yet I don’t understand myself.  Or maybe I say I don’t.

There is sunshine and rainbows somewhere, but today in Ohio it is raining and the stories playing in my soul all need wrapped up and loved on. People say I am not alone…I know I am not.

Let me believe soon that I am my own best friend!





How To Get Back Into Jumping

•March 28, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Any of us who have ever jumped a horse know how amazing it feels and just how difficult it can be. It takes effort and time to learn how to become one with your horse, to feel just when to lift off, and how to accept that not every time will be perfect.

If it has been years since you last jumped a horse I bet you are itching to get in the saddle and soar. You might be looking for the perfect horse, the right trainer, or planning how to work up to that beautiful height you once flew over.

I am for playing it safe, for building confidence and strength, but I am also for taking the risk and starting from where you want to end up. Everyone is different and you have to gage what you are comfortable with.

This “how to” is from personal experience and there is no step by step guidance with this one. When I wanted to jump again, I just jumped right into jumping! I was scared, but it was an adventure that I needed and grew from.

In April 2013 I went with my roommate to her barn for a lesson. She trains with a man who has taken horses to the All American Quarter Horse Congress and won. I told him that I sold my horse in High School and that it had been at least six years since I last jumped.

So he gave me his tallest eighteen hand warm blood. I knew right then I was in for it. What it was didn’t reveal itself until later. We practiced walking, trotting, cantering, flying lead changes and then he set up two jumps on the left side of the arena at two feet. We went around twice and by then my thighs were on fire. It felt like needles were shooting through my legs as I struggled to hold my own weight.

He moved the jumps to three feet and I ended up on the neck of my horse. There was no time to breathe as we were encouraged to go again and again. Soon the jumps were at four and a half feet and I was shaking in my stirrups. My adrenaline was up and I was having the time of my life.

Some people may say this trainer was not being safe with me, but he knew I was a horse girl and he must have known that I needed to go all in or not at all. As we circled around the jumps to go over four and a half feet I wondered if we could make it. Could I give the horse the signal he needed? Would I be able to stay on? I found myself extremely grateful for the invention of helmets as we began to soar over the first jump.

Hands placed neatly above his neck and legs still firmly on his sides we partnered perfectly for the second jump. As we landed I was amazed at how I was still on the horse, even though it felt completely strange. I wondered at first if it felt strange because I did not expect to stay on, but as we rounded the corner I looked down very aware at how the saddle felt like fur.

I had landed on his rump and did not even notice at first because I was so busy celebrating our success!

That day I would not have won a trophy or been invited to the Olympics, but I remembered what it felt like to fly. I remembered what it felt like to take chances, to believe in myself and trust the unknown and trust a horse. This is a lesson I am still working into my own life. How to completely engage, trust the unknown, believe in myself and to do something just for the joy of it, not for the outcome.

If you have not jumped a horse in a while I hope you will take courage from this article. I was lucky not to fall off midair, but I was encouraged because I opened up to the possibility getting hurt by something I love.

Isn’t that what stops us after-all? Fear?

If you haven’t jumped a horse in a while, just do it (credit to Nike for the line). Acknowledge and validate your fear, but go for it. Put on a helmet, take a friend you trust and find a good horse if you don’t have one and set up a fun course. I dare you to be bold! And then take what you learn in the arena out into real life. Even if you fall off, get back on, or get up, or if it is really bad, go to the hospital and relish in your ability to ask for help when it is needed!


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