Everyday…Wake.UP

This is a new look for my blog and name because everyday…I wake up and I consider that a start to healing. To choose to wake up everyday….no matter how bad life feels, how physically awful you are doing…how entirely frustrated you are…..I choose to wake up and I feel that is simply the first step. I have a lot of expectations in life…Things I want to see get done…accomplished….but mostly I have a lot of need for healing and love.

I have been afraid of the quiet moments.

I have relished in being busy and kept a hold on my anger.

I have hated so much about myself and life that it makes me feel apologetic to those around me.

I am hoping to carve new indents.

It starts for me every day by choosing to wake up.

Everyday. Just open my eyes.

My Desire

I desire practicality and simplicity right now.

I yearn for low stress days and a moment of love to seep in and cause warmth to grow deep through me.

I am slowing down, I think. Confusion is such a common moment with me. A protection.

I want what anyone want. Sustainability, stability, comfort, grace, and safety.

I desire self-acceptance, intimacy with moments and nature and belief.

I desire…desire.
Yes I desire to have the ability to desire more….to trust in desires, to allow desires to live in me.

I desire relationship with others.

I desire everyday…a little more gain.

Horse Love

Horses.

My life.

Falling in love with a horse is such a blessing.

They wrap their heads around you as your arms wrap around their necks. They have spots they like pet or scratched like a puppy.

They run wild with their flowing manes in the golden sunrise of a pasture.

Hay bales are perfect places to hide and cry with a soft horse muzzle nearby.

Horses keep your secrets.
They test your limits.
They teach you trust, they teach you to protect yourself.
They teach you how to be vulnerable.
They know things we don’t…feel things we feel….want things we want….

like
respect, honor, understanding, grace, love, kindness, power, success, relaxation, trust, equality, understanding, attention, to be accepted,

but most of all relationship.

This is why horse love is such a constant, consuming, heartbreaking, joyous journey.

This is why it has its own language.

Beauty

I work at a breeding farm right now and one of the Guatemalan boys is what my boss would say, “smitten” with me. Well, I believe that is easily done considering his circumstances of working on a farm with only two young girls and the rest horses and men…he does not have much exposure as he also works 7 days a week.

I find it funny, he is not creepy about it he is a chunk of years younger and inches smaller so it is almost like a friends younger brother could be.

I have learned a lot from all the Guatemalan boys who work there the past two weeks. And here is my speculation in story form on myself, beauty, and how humans respond.

Sometimes I hear or see them when I am walking through a perpendicular aisle and I know they don’t know I am around. They laugh together and work side by side helping each other. I saw two of them kind of wrestling each other around the dog while they were walking out to bring in the mares. They caught me laughing at them that time. But I was appreciating their camaraderie. All day it is mainly me and the horses which I love don’t get me wrong but it is hard when I need people around as well. Only one of the boys is fluent in English and the one who is smitten is learning. We do a lot of gesturing and guessing and sometimes waving each other off, and I initiate high fives when we understand each other.

I think all this is somehow a definition of beauty. Trying to understand each other. Appreciating differences.

But here is what got me thinking what beauty do we appreciate more? Or most? Because today..Hulio is his name…he said Raechel (in a heavy accent hard to understand R), you are beautiful.” We were walking back from feeding grain to the stallions.

I had been sent home earlier by my boss who is out of town and he called to see how everything is going. When I answered I sounded very manly and he told me I sounded awful and needed to go home and come back to feed.

Basically beauty isn’t my priority right now, I went back to the barn in my shorts hoodie and boots to feed. I don’t like people telling me I am beautiful, I have even written poems about how uncomfortable it makes me feel or how much it ticks me off. I told Hulio to stop it. He asked, No, you no think you are beautiful.” I don’t know how to tell I just don’t want to hear it. That we work together and to be appropriate. SO I shook my head no and just walked fast to put stuff away.

Later I stopped to think because I just lectured a friend to enjoy that someone liked her.

SO I am sitting here thinking….shouldn’t I just enjoy the compliment that was given. And maybe its not just that he saw my legs today (laughter inserted-hahah) but maybe it is more than just looks that makes us beautiful even to people who don’t really know us. Maybe I could think I am beautiful even for one moment. TO observe myself as someone else might through the day.

What really solidified this thought is another person this week told me I must work with horses because I am all the things I love about them…powerful, strong, untamed, sensitive, feisty, strong willed…and yes beautiful.

So for a moment today I saw myself hugging the yearlings and kissing on them…teaching them how not to shy away from things. Talking to them and grooming them. I stepped aside for a moment and saw my eagerness to learn Spanish and understand the culture of the new job…taking pictures of the horses and landscapes sitting on hay at lunch feeling the wind….singing to myself in the feed room and working alongside these boys when I am done working horses. And I thought if I did not know me…know my story know where I had been. I would think I am beautiful.

And if I did know everything I would still think I am beautiful and I wonder how it is that while I write this post I can still be such a rude stranger to myself.

It makes me uncomfortable to post this…feels meaningless…yet it is important because aren’t we all beautiful in some way? In every way? I think people I barely know are beautiful inside and out sometimes immediately. Some people just have a way about them.

Current Groove

1. we have well-defined grooves in our brain that take us down the same patterns deeper and deeper ad deeper.
2. sometimes we have to laugh.
3. a saying a made up at work while sitting on hay in the barn “For the humans that love those of us that spend 95% of our time with horses……..Please forgive us when we reach to get an eye booger from your eye without telling you….we forget you have fingers….please don’t think we are gross when we wipe it on our jeans, sometimes we may make you uncomfortable when we offer you a slice of our apple by putting our hand by your mouth, it may seem strange if we hear you toot and say, “Glad your digestion is working,” ..and we know you may get sick of how often we cluck at you when we are ready to walk or drive somewhere. There are so many things we do because it is second nature and a part of a deep love. So human friends instead of being embarrassed or offended know we must do this to you because somewhere inside we must love you almost as much as our horses. And if you don’t know how much that is we can guarantee it is more than your other friends who have never been blessed with the opportunity to love a horse.”
4. what is nothing?
5. i smell like vicks vapor rub..i am very sick
6. cant sleep because i keep coughing and have to go to work tomorrow.
7. I like problems I know will disappear
8. i am not disappearing
9. i can do this.
10. i have 13 children (baby horses) i see everyday and work with.
11. learning a little spanish here in the midwest
12. boys are funny
13. boys are also stupid
14. I two famous boyfriends
15. my famous boyfriends only like me because i feed them
16. i am being lame and calling the two stallions i spend all my time with my boyfriends.
17. i told a boy who asked me if i had a boyfriend that i have two and i actually thought i was funny
18. i am too lazy to captilize letters right now or check spelling
19. i noticed most of my sentences are starting with i
20. eaten a lot of fast food
would love to run but im too sick to
22. forgot to number the above one
23. if you are reading this still i feel sorry for you too :) haha

Adventure

I think as life changes us our definition of an adventure changes too. I have often been known by my friends as a big dreamer…as someone who sets their sights high. And I have lived adventurously from time to time. I have moved to different states and taken random jobs on a whim. I have traveled to Israel with four other girls my age…jumped out of an airplane….introduced myself to strangers and made best friends, won a longest tongue contest at a retreat in front of hundreds of people, jumped horses over high fences….pursued New York City go-sees for acting and modeling, made friends with a casting director….shared my life story in front of a floor of girls in college.

I have done a lot, I know a lot of people, I have read a lot of books, I have written and dreamed and ran, and then…reality came crashing in and I started to wane…struggle…wonder why I am alive…what is life…hate the existential yet understand its familiarity…I think definitions change as we lose grip of who we are and try to find out if we really are going to stay strong..stay real..stay ALIVE.

Do we choose life? Or does it choose us?

Some people crave to see the world ….I am among them.
Other cultures fascinate me and I revel in the limitless possibilities to learn…yet somewhere these things that kept me yearning moving…lost a bit of their allure.

Now I long for the adventure of simplicity. Perhaps its what running does to us. I would like to stop running.

I really would.

Quiet….unbidden…yet welcomed would be acceptable as an adventure. I crave days that flow into each other not robotically but fluidly. Where I wake up and eat breakfast…and feel…feel the taste of my fruit and the feel of the wooden chair beneath me…where I hurry out the door not to be late and once I am at work to leisurely go from one task to the other until something disrupts routine or I am challenged to learn something new and where I focus on where I am yet know I am dealing with what is currently my struggle. I want days with errands and chores to be done and others with visiting and catching up with friends. I long for moments where I can sit and be kinder to myself.

Where it actually makes an impact and I see myself growing old with well earned wrinkles. Simplicity of hard everyday…beautiful life is the adventure I want to seek next. Where perfection is just a word to describe the sunset and not a prison. I long to fit into solidity of myself and containment of fear. I desire the freedom to be myself and untamed and I long to believe truly I am worth this. I can relax slow down, feel the wind, feel pain, feel joy, feel…feel…feel. an not intellectualize all of these things but let the truth course through me and make a difference within. The truth of the unknown….yet known.

I Don’t Know (little long winded-could be worth it!)

I don’t know who all gets this anymore…people I know…people I don’t know. I don’t know why I am writing this post accept I have a huge desire to be heard right now and writing in my journal, alone, for only my eyes feels too scary, too difficult, and perhaps too lonely.

As I write this judgements pass through my mind…”Don’t be so dramatic, don’t be this, don’t…..”

Really I just want to be as honest as I can…I think that is all I have ever wanted…truly…and I think I have been hoping it would end all my suffering. They say the truth will set you free and I am starting to wonder..what truth…whose truth…and when? Because getting to know myself and my truth and absolute truth has made everything go dark and topsy turvy and made the survival fight even more difficult.

I end up sounding fake when I really mean something and I end up complaining about things I really am grateful for. I end up being frustrated that bad and good in a person and a situation can exist at the same time.

And sometimes….I monopolize conversations about me and then I feel like a burden.

I have fought the same fights most of my life but this time it is so deep and the grooves in my brain so completely marked it feels irreversible.

But enough with that lament on to the next one.

Trauma does something to people. Some of us make it through and some of us don’t. Some of us want to but can’t. Some of us never find that magic bean we are looking for.

My biggest concern in life has been what others will think…not just think of me but how can I keep them happy. It is not the “I hope they think I am pretty concern”, because one thing is I actually know I am pretty and I am grateful it only takes ten minutes to get ready. The kind of concern I have is the wondering if it is okay I am alive…breathing…here on earth. Being filled with shame at your very existence is not an easy fight to fight.

This is me being honest. I usually waver back and forth hoping to appease parties at either end of the thinking tree by the words I say…but tonight I appease no one except if we are all honest maybe I please everyone by saying, I just don’t know……about anything right now. I don’t think it is the hopeless, I don’t know, it is more of a surrendered…I don’t know.

I have been striving to believe in God the way I used to….I have been striving to love horses the way I grew up doing. I have been striving to be organized, pay my bills, bathe, eat three meals a day and make sure I am not isolated…all the things you are supposed to do for the healing process.

But for me it has been a robotic checklist so I can answer the people who want me well…that I am doing all these things even if I no longer know why.

In the healing process of trauma I have found that you can go to a lot of different people and get many different answers. You can be labeled a lot of things and told some pretty depressing crap. You can also be given false hope and false understanding….it is the curse of the human race to appease others or to believe that a situation really is not as bad as it really is. How is that for ironic?

I have found that the human mind and its survival mechanisms are pretty phenomenal. I have learned that though the body may start to crumble and lose itself the mind still goes on or for others the mind gives out and the body stays in tact. Or maybe some loose both…..

Regardless what inspired this post was God…or me, or both was it?

Before my trauma resurfaced I viewed my relationship with God as an adventure…I walked away without realizing it almost…led by curiosity to explore a lot of other things and that was fine…yet I lost something that had defined me and then I was left grasping for answers that weren’t there when I started to try and deal with my past.

And here is where I am at….it has been a month since I moved back to be near high school friends and in a familiar place I had two conflicting reasons for coming back and we don’t need to go into that now. Maybe another time.

Today I confess this.

I want to believe in God and Jesus…I recommitted and got rebaptized…I want to have that relationship where I can talk to someone at any time of day. Yet I am struggling because of the core values I still cannot find peace with.

You see earlier I shared I carry an unexplained shame for my being. Here I believe that struggle plays into this question (which I will explain). You see Christianity teaches Jesus died for all our sins and when the world was created sin entered because Eve ate a fruit from a tree that was forbidden by God. God gave humanity freewill so we could decide to obey him. We are told God created us because he wanted something to love…he made us from love and he is the essence of love….and we were given choice, so we were not forced to love him yet if in the end we do not choose him we go to Hell.

So my struggle is….I did not ask to be created….so why is it that Jesus had to die for me and my sins? Why am I a sinner at birth when I didn’t even ask to be here. If I didn’t get to choose to be on Earth, what makes anything to do with choice….valid or important?

I don’t know if I am getting to the essence of what I mean or not…I know this is long-winded and maybe it needed to be a journal entry instead…or maybe someone else out there needed to read this.

I don’t know.

The thing is I am not asking this with a tone of entitlement nor with humility…I am simply asking it as someone who is curious and knows it is a deep question…one that thousands of religions have raised from and stories have come about.

In dealing with trauma it can be seen as a stubborn or helpless stance to think we don’t have a choice to get better or deal with our issues. And of course in hindsight there is always some sort of choice…but along with that there are cards we are dealt that lay heavily upon us and perhaps they play themselves out because we just don’t know what we are doing.

Maybe it is not bad or good, or anything to not know….maybe we just don’t really have all the answers, but then how do you live with that everyday? The not knowings of the world?

When I worked at the schools one of the boys was renaming the teachers silly names like Mrs Yellow and Mr. Chess Player…or whatever…the name I got was Miss I Don’t Know.

SO tonight with all my existence questions and shame, and anger and curiosity, and enjoying the birds chirping I tell you I don’t know what makes the world spin, why babies cry, or why chickens lay eggs and not roosters, but I do know one thing tonight.

I just don’t know.

Life.Is. Hard

I don’t know where this post will go. Right now as I write this I am sobbing.

But I want to write to you guys because I think we all know what it is like to feel this way and to know that someday we will look back and realize how silly we are.

Here is what happened.

I have recently moved it has been three weeks. I want to put roots here. And I desperately want to be around horses. I have been blessed to be connected with a woman who said I can come ride her horse every now and then to help her out. Truly it would be helping me out.

This kind woman does Parelli, natural horsemanship. A lot of people do these things, some people look at it as a joke. Personally I think it seems cool, I am only newly introduced and have not formed a complete opinion about it. I got to meet a woman who gives these lessons at a persons place and she is around my age.

Okay now the other side, I want to work with horses and received my certification this year as a Certified Path International Instructor. I will work anywhere right now around horses even cleaning stalls. I have been playing phone tag with a woman who has a barn right down the street that could be perfect. I could walk there for now.

I have been feeling irritable about her lack of communication. I tend to be impatient so it takes time to know if it is the person or me. She had told me to come Saturday to meet her and she would be in the barn but she was not, I finally had my interview with her today.

I went to the interview with high hopes in my comfortable horse clothes I love and was immediately frustrated because I had to call her and tell her I was waiting for her to show up. When she came she asked me to tell her about my horse experience. As I spoke she looked at her phone to see what the weather was then interrupted me and started talking to another person in the barn for a minute about the weather.

Basically we had uncomfortable exchange about what I made at the last barn which was a lot and she said she could not offer that, I said I am understanding of that. Then I had to continually redirect her to try to figure out what she even wanted me to do at the barn. I was feeling very frustrated without any definite commitment to details of the position or hours.

As we were talking a woman walked in inquiring about the ability to board at the barn. Basically I committed the cardinal sin of a horse person interview. Here it goes.

The woman inquiring about boarding said she is into Parelli and I told her I met a woman who comes to give lessons and they are 85 dollars.

If you are listening I offered to connect her with someone to get lessons while I was interviewing at a barn that GIVES LESSONS!

wow!

See I get really excited when I know about things people are involved in. I did not say I loved parelli, I simply stated I knew someone that gives lessons. My interview had been cut off by the owner trying to sell her barn to this prospective client way before I did that. She kept her calm for another ten minutes and then the woman left.

After the prospective boarder left she turned to me and said, “That was completely out of line.”

A shiver of fear and self-condemnation started at my head and ended at my feet, I know what it is like to be spoken to that way, even when what I have done is not out of line. I think that is where the real sobbing comes in. I returned to a well known part of tail between legs I am so sorry, I was wrong, there was no excuse for that.

My interviewer had every right to be irritated by that. It is unfortunate though that this occurred. I have never done that, I am usually an excellent interviewer, and networking and volleying for those I work for has always been a gift. I love to circle my life around and connect people to resources and stay loyal to the companies I work under or the people I represent.

There is a first for everything, perhaps it was a foreshadowing when I went to the fifth third bank to pay my credit card and asked where chase bank was to pay the credit card I have there :)

Regardless, she said I was about to have a job but now she does not know. I get it. But she proceeded to say Parelli is a joke and what they do is above that. I simply said, “I was just introduced to Parelli this week and have not formed my own opinion but it would be a pleasure to see what you guys do and I completely understand your hesitation.”

I got in the car drove around sobbing. I hate doing things that are wrong. I hate not being perfect. How silly and simply human that is. But deeper still are the wounds I don’t know how to heal, of rejection, not feeling worthy of love, not wanting to disappoint, not wanting to play the victim, yet feeling comfortable, afraid to disappear, and deeper still the bold face truth that I have been deeply wounded by another person who was supposed to love me and the truth is I cannot count on that person to save or rescue me and you know what. That person in my life is missing out on me because I am actually pretty awesome.

I came home and called the horse trainer from my old barn to tell her what happened. She said from the beginning, even before my mistake she didn’t feel I was being respected by this interviewer, to breathe, and to set my sights on the next one.

I was going to write an email apologizing, I was advised to leave it as is.

Here is what I know. People are missing out on me. And some things are not meant to be. And who knows maybe somehow I will end up crossing paths with this interviewer and even working for her yet. Sometimes first impressions aren’t the last.

I do know I won’t be doing that again, you know, recommending services to someone while I am interviewing.

I am no longer sobbing, not even crying. I am just here with you. I am curious why somethings happen, if we will ever know. When the landing point is, and I am amazed out how events on the surface bring out our depths. I am impressed with irony, how things can be disappointing and funny at the same time.

I would love to hear your comments. Have any of you had a terrible job interview?

Thank you for reading a bit of my journey today.