New Blog: Darkness to Light

•July 9, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Dear Friends:

This is my new blog http://iamrevealed.tumblr.com/

I would love for you to join me on my new journey…still learning how to use tumblr but I do have a couple posts up!! I still plan on keeping my followings from wordpress and would love for you to somehow still join my tumblr journey!!

Sending much love and gratitude to you all!

Blog

•July 5, 2014 • Leave a Comment

My dear readers,

In this time of change for me I am in the process of making a new blog. I will post the link when it is ready.

Life.Is. Hard

•July 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I don’t know where this post will go. Right now as I write this I am sobbing.

But I want to write to you guys because I think we all know what it is like to feel this way and to know that someday we will look back and realize how silly we are.

Here is what happened.

I have recently moved it has been three weeks. I want to put roots here. And I desperately want to be around horses. I have been blessed to be connected with a woman who said I can come ride her horse every now and then to help her out. Truly it would be helping me out.

This kind woman does Parelli, natural horsemanship. A lot of people do these things, some people look at it as a joke. Personally I think it seems cool, I am only newly introduced and have not formed a complete opinion about it. I got to meet a woman who gives these lessons at a persons place and she is around my age.

Okay now the other side, I want to work with horses and received my certification this year as a Certified Path International Instructor. I will work anywhere right now around horses even cleaning stalls. I have been playing phone tag with a woman who has a barn right down the street that could be perfect. I could walk there for now.

I have been feeling irritable about her lack of communication. I tend to be impatient so it takes time to know if it is the person or me. She had told me to come Saturday to meet her and she would be in the barn but she was not, I finally had my interview with her today.

I went to the interview with high hopes in my comfortable horse clothes I love and was immediately frustrated because I had to call her and tell her I was waiting for her to show up. When she came she asked me to tell her about my horse experience. As I spoke she looked at her phone to see what the weather was then interrupted me and started talking to another person in the barn for a minute about the weather.

Basically we had uncomfortable exchange about what I made at the last barn which was a lot and she said she could not offer that, I said I am understanding of that. Then I had to continually redirect her to try to figure out what she even wanted me to do at the barn. I was feeling very frustrated without any definite commitment to details of the position or hours.

As we were talking a woman walked in inquiring about the ability to board at the barn. Basically I committed the cardinal sin of a horse person interview. Here it goes.

The woman inquiring about boarding said she is into Parelli and I told her I met a woman who comes to give lessons and they are 85 dollars.

If you are listening I offered to connect her with someone to get lessons while I was interviewing at a barn that GIVES LESSONS!

wow!

See I get really excited when I know about things people are involved in. I did not say I loved parelli, I simply stated I knew someone that gives lessons. My interview had been cut off by the owner trying to sell her barn to this prospective client way before I did that. She kept her calm for another ten minutes and then the woman left.

After the prospective boarder left she turned to me and said, “That was completely out of line.”

A shiver of fear and self-condemnation started at my head and ended at my feet, I know what it is like to be spoken to that way, even when what I have done is not out of line. I think that is where the real sobbing comes in. I returned to a well known part of tail between legs I am so sorry, I was wrong, there was no excuse for that.

My interviewer had every right to be irritated by that. It is unfortunate though that this occurred. I have never done that, I am usually an excellent interviewer, and networking and volleying for those I work for has always been a gift. I love to circle my life around and connect people to resources and stay loyal to the companies I work under or the people I represent.

There is a first for everything, perhaps it was a foreshadowing when I went to the fifth third bank to pay my credit card and asked where chase bank was to pay the credit card I have there :)

Regardless, she said I was about to have a job but now she does not know. I get it. But she proceeded to say Parelli is a joke and what they do is above that. I simply said, “I was just introduced to Parelli this week and have not formed my own opinion but it would be a pleasure to see what you guys do and I completely understand your hesitation.”

I got in the car drove around sobbing. I hate doing things that are wrong. I hate not being perfect. How silly and simply human that is. But deeper still are the wounds I don’t know how to heal, of rejection, not feeling worthy of love, not wanting to disappoint, not wanting to play the victim, yet feeling comfortable, afraid to disappear, and deeper still the bold face truth that I have been deeply wounded by another person who was supposed to love me and the truth is I cannot count on that person to save or rescue me and you know what. That person in my life is missing out on me because I am actually pretty awesome.

I came home and called the horse trainer from my old barn to tell her what happened. She said from the beginning, even before my mistake she didn’t feel I was being respected by this interviewer, to breathe, and to set my sights on the next one.

I was going to write an email apologizing, I was advised to leave it as is.

Here is what I know. People are missing out on me. And some things are not meant to be. And who knows maybe somehow I will end up crossing paths with this interviewer and even working for her yet. Sometimes first impressions aren’t the last.

I do know I won’t be doing that again, you know, recommending services to someone while I am interviewing.

I am no longer sobbing, not even crying. I am just here with you. I am curious why somethings happen, if we will ever know. When the landing point is, and I am amazed out how events on the surface bring out our depths. I am impressed with irony, how things can be disappointing and funny at the same time.

I would love to hear your comments. Have any of you had a terrible job interview?

Thank you for reading a bit of my journey today.

I.Am.Real.

•June 30, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Today I learned about Parelli with horses, natural horsemanship!

Today I learned how to mow the lawn with a riding mower!

Today I learned new things, and did well.

Today. Today.

Today is now.

Today I am alive.

Today I am real.

Today.

I.Am.Real.

I.See. You.I. Hear.You.I Call.You

•June 29, 2014 • Leave a Comment

If I knew what was happening to me I think I would make it stop. 

If I could tell you what was happening to me, would you runaway screaming, disbelieving.

If.If.If.

Should. Would.Could

“Listen! It’s the voice of someone shouting, “Clear the way through the wilderness for the LORD! Make a straight highway through the wasteland for our God!” Isaiah 40:3

“So the LORD called a third time, and once more Samuel got up and went to Eli. “Here I am. Did you call me?” Then Eli realized it was the LORD who was calling the boy.” 1 Samuel 3:8

I moved states since my last post, changed my number, burnt some papers, deleted facebook, and walked into church a few times.

I wish I had words for where I am, the real me, the true me. 

It doesn’t help I think this is comfortable, or interesting.  It doesn’t help running.  It doesn’t help I can’t wrap my head around how much I carry a deep shame and self-hatred.  I can’t help myself.

Yet I can help myself.  I must try, keep rising in the morning.  Keep telling myself it is possible, to be whole.

I saw prayer work before.  I have seen miracles, heard of them, been one. 

Aren’t we all miracles.

My dear readers, whatever you believe in can we be connected by the positive, can we wrap one another in prayers of encouragement, practices of intention, positive energy. 

The story and history of Jesus means something.

I need to believe someone loves me.  That I am loved.  I want love. To be held.

Someone told me I have magical thinking like a child.

Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven.
Matthew 18:3

I just have to cling to the fact that perhaps it is miracle thinking. 

I put the previous two verses because I understand what feeling like a wasteland feels like.  I am so tired of being empty.  It is the cry of my heart to be full.

And Samuel was called by God, sometimes it takes the hand of others to see the calling on our purpose and existence and the fact that we deserve to be alive.

And notice it says three times God called him, perhaps that is where we get the third time is a charm. 

I want to be Raechel.  I want to be seen, heard, called.

I want to acknowledge myself, to be real, felt, understood, present in the moment.  I want and claim my miracle.

I have danced with darkness long enough, I want my light, my gift. 

Let us each become a beloved to ourselves and the world.

Still searching, seeking, forming, hoping for landing.

 

 

 

Take the Reins

•May 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Hello friends!

I am trying to conquer my finances and I would love your ideas and support. You have all been an awesome group to read and like and comment and share your own blogs!!  I would love to share the support as well! 

First I am starting to offer horseback riding lessons to people by going to them.  You can check out the facebook page for this here

https://www.facebook.com/takeyourreins

I would love for each of you to check it out, offer advice, like it and share it :)

Also I would love some other quick ideas to make money (please nothing inappropriate) so I can get a handle on some of my crazy bills!

Thank you!!  And if there is anything I can offer in support to you in this community please let me know!

Raech

Dreams

•April 26, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I dream a lot.  I mean dreams through the night. 

Sometimes I feel more alive at night, I have series of dreams through the whole night.

Some of my favorites recently have been where I get to hang out with Ellen DeGeneres, she is pretty awesome.

I dream about a lot of things, eventually I will probably study my dreams or something, analyze them.

I had one where I was rebuilding and repairing something that I feel showed some healing in my life. 

Those are nice dreams.

Not sure why I am writing this, but I hope you all get to dream, dream in color at night, and always embrace the dreams of your life. 

 
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